ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
____________ _________ _________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
____________ _________ ________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
___________ _________ ________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
____________ _________ ________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
____________ _________ _________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
____________ _________ _________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
____________ _________ ________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
___________ _________ ________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Boy: My girlfriend broke up with me and sent me pictures of her new boyfriend kissing her...

Friend : Really bad !!! What did u do?

Boy: I sent them to her Daddy.

Be Innovative :-)

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पढ़े-लिखे

तुम कुछ लिखो, और हम वह पढें
गोया कुछ यूँ ही सही, हम पढ़े-लिखे तो कहलायें
- संजय माथुर जी द्वारा


लिखने का कुछ ये हुआ,
की न चिंगारी उठी कहीं और न धुआं उठा
गीली लकडियों के बीच रह कर,
चुपचाप राख बन ने का मज़ा ही कुछ और है ....

-अंशु जोहरी

You are a programmer if....

Every combination of three letters is a meaningful acronym for you.

Instead of saying "Let's discuss this later" you say "Let's take this offline"

Instead of saying "Let me know when you're available" you say "Ping me when you are available"

Instead of asking "Any general comments?" you ask "Any high level comments?"

You can remember seventeen computer passwords but not your anniversary.

You start laughing hysterically when the topic of computer reliability is brought up.

You are more comfortable writing code than writing prose.

When you hear the term "Evil Empire," you don't think of geopolitics, but of Microsoft.

You own more than 50 T-shirts, but can't remember the last time you actually paid for one.

You're the highest-paid but worst-dressed person in the office.

You get involved in heated conversations on forums concerning things that normal people have ever even heard of.

You've spent more time in front of a computer screen than a television screen.

Your PC's monitor is bigger than your television screen.

You are primarily offended by the use of goto when someone tells you to go to Hell.

The statement (0x2b||!0x2b) makes sense to you.

You note with disgust that it always evaluates to true.

You think the real bugs have nothing to do with insects or spiders.

You know that 10-9.9 is not necessarily equal to 0.1.

You are aware of many different kinds of beans that have nothing to do with plants (JavaBeans, Enterprise JavaBeans, Spring beans, MBeans, NetBeans, etc.).

You know that Perl is not Pearl misspelled.

Son of Gandhiji

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teacher to a Mallu Student - Who is the son of Gandhiji ?

Mallu Student - DINESHAN.

Teacher - Who told you this rubbish?

Mallu Student - From KG sir, we are studying that Gandhiji is the father of "DI neshan"

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Whne you need a salary raise....

HOW TO ASK YOUR BOSS
FOR A SALARY INCREASE..?

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding the need$ of u$.We are worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company...
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I meant and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,


The next day, the employee received this reply:


Dear

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOw days, Nothing much has changed. You must have Noticed that our company is NOt doing NOticably well. NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

---- Your Boss.

U can find this .. but U can't find that.....!!!!

MINDBLOWING: VIJAYAKANTH'S Dialogues in English

1) U can find keys in Keyboard but u cannot find mother in motherboard.

2) U may have AIRTEL or BSNL connection but when u
sneeze u ll say HUTCH


3 ) U can bcome an engineer if u study in
engineering college. U cannot bcom a president if
u studies in Presidency College


4 ) U can expect a BUS from a BUS stop ... u
cannot expect a FULL from FULL stop


5) A mechanical engineer can bcom a mechanic but a
software engineer cannot bcom a software


6 ) U can find tea in teacup. But cannot find world
in world cup


7) U can study and get any certificates. But u cannot get ur death certificate

क्या कूल जोक्स हैं !!!!

Q. What do you call a fat lady waiting for a bus?
A. Moti-vating! !

Q. What is the difference between WATCH & WIFE?
A . Ek Bigadti hai to 'BANDH' ho jati hai.... Doosri Bigadti hai to 'SHUROO' ho jati hai

Q. Doctor : App ka aur aapki biwi ka BLOOD GROUP ek hi hai.
A . Man : Hoga, zarur hoga; 25 saal se mera khoon jo pee rahi hai.

Ek aadmi ne sadhu se kaha, meri biwi bahut pareshan karti hai, koi upaaye bataiye .
Sadhu bola, Upaaye hota to main sadhu kyoon banta?

Doctor: You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die?
Patient: Yes. A good doctor..

Ekdum Freshhhh Santa Banta Jokes.. :)

Santa: I think that girl is deaf..
Banta: How do u know?
Santa: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new

Judge: Don't U have shame? It is the 3rd time U R coming to court..
Santa to judge: U R coming daily, don't U have shame?

Question: "Should Women have Children after 35?"
Smart Santa Replied: "No! 35 Children are More than Enough!!"

Santa Singh attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Santa: If U give me the address I will go there sir.

Santa got a sms from his girl friend:
"I MISS YOU"
Santa replied:
"I Mr YOU"!!

After finishing MBBS Dr. Santa Singh started his practice. He Checked 1st Patient's Eyes, Tongue & Ears By Torch & Finallly Said: "Torch is okay"

Santa: Oye, what will happen if electricity is not discovered?
Banta: Nothing yaar, we have to watch TV in candle light.

Santa in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: "Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Santa: "Ok.. Ombay. Ombay"

Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?"
Santa Jr: "All are born on government holidays...! !!

Santa Jr: Miss, Did U call 2 my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Santa Jr: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- 1 Miss Call".

Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Santa Jr: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE

प्यार का टेक्नीकल अनालिसिस

क्यों चलती है पवन
Because of evaporation .

क्यों झूमे है गगन
Because of earth's rotation.

क्यों मचलता है मन
Because of disorder in digestion.

ना तुम जानो ना हम !!!


क्यों गुम है हर दिशा
Because u have poor sense of direction

क्यों होता है नशा
Because of drug addiction.

क्यों आता है मजा
Because u enjoy the situation.

ना तुम जानो ना हम !!!


क्यों आती है बहार
Because of change in season.

क्यों होता है करार
Because of taking tension

क्यों होता है प्यार
Because of opposite attraction.

ना तुम जानो ना हम

हमारे जाट भाई ,- क्या बात है !

author - Unknown

स्टेशन पे एक कुली से बाहर जाने का रास्ता पूंछा .
कुली ने कहा: " बाहर जाके पूंछो ."


मैंने ख़ुद ही
रास्ता ढूंढ़ लिया ,
बाहर जाके टैक्सी वाले से पूंछा :
" भाई साहब लाल किले का कितना लोगे ?"
जवाब मिला: " बेचना नही है ."


टैक्सी छोड़ , मैंने बस पकड़ ली ,
कंडक्टर से पूंछा: "जी , क्या मैं सिगरेट पी सकता हूँ ?"
वो गुर्र्रा कर बोला : "हरगिज़ नही , यहाँ सिगरेट पीना मन है."
मैंने कहा: "पर वो जनाब तो पी रहे है!"
फिर से गुर्र्र्राया : "उसने मुझसे पूंछा नही है."


लाल किले पंहुचा , होटल गया .
मेनेजर से कहा: "मुझे रूम चाहिए , सातवी मंजिल पे ."
मेनेजर ने कहा: "रहने के लिए या कूदने के लिए ?"
रूम पंहुचा , वेटर से कहा:
" एक पानी का गिलास मिलेगा ?"
उसने जवाब दिया: "नही साहब , यहाँ तो सारे कांच के मिलते हैं."


होटल से निकला , दोस्त के घर जाने के लिए ,
रास्ते में एक साहब से पूंछा:
" जनाब , ये सड़क कहाँ को जाती है ?"
जनाब हंस कर बोले: "पिछले बीस साल से देख रहा हूँ , यही पड़ी है... कहीं नहीं जाती...

दोस्त के घर पंहुचा , तो मूझे देखते ही चोंक पड़ा ,
उसने पूछा : "कैसे आना हुआ ?"
अब तक तो मुझे भी आदत पड़ गई थी ,
मैंने भी जवाब दिया: "ट्रेन से."


मेरी अओभागत करने के लिए दोस्त ने अपनी बीवी से कहा:
" अरी सुनती हो... मेरा दोस्त पहली बार घर आया है ,
उसे कुछ ताज़ा ताज़ा खिलाओ ."
सुनते ही भाभी जी ने घर की सारी
खिध्कियाँ और दरवाजे खोल दिए.
कहा: "ताजी हवा खा लीजिये."


दोस्त ने फिर से बडे प्यार से बीवी से कहा:
" अरी सुनती हो , इन्हे जरा अपना चालीस साल पुराना आचार तो दिखाना."
भाभी जी एक बाल्टी मे रखा आचार ले आई.
मैंने भी अपनापन दिखाते हुए भाभी जी से कहा:
" भाभी जी , आचार सिर्फ़ दिखाएंगी , चाखायेंगी नही ?"
भाभी जी ने टाक से जवाब दिया: "यूँही अगर सब को
चखाती तो आचार चालीस साल पुराना कैसे होता ?"


थोडी देर बाद देखा , भाभी जी
अपने पोते को सुला रही थी ,
साथ मे लोरी भी गा रही थी:
" डिप्लोमा सो जा , डिप्लोमा सो जा."
लोरी सुन में हैरान हुआ और दोस्त से पूछा:
" यार , ये डिप्लोमा क्या है ?"
दोस्त ने जवाब दिया: "मेरे पोते का नाम ,
बेटी बम्बई गई थी , डिप्लोमा लेने के लिए
और साथ में इसे ले आई ,
इसीलिए हमने इसका नाम डिप्लोमा रख दिया."
फिर मैंने पूंछा: "आजकल तुम्हारी बेटी क्या कर रही है ?"
दोस्त ने जवाब दिया: "बम्बई गई है , डिग्री लेने के लिए

A sardars family!

A sardar learning english introduces his family in the party:
Hi! I am sardar,
this is my sardarni,
he is my kid,
& she is my kidney.

- No malice intended. Just pure fun!


A young boy asks his Dad, "Dad, what is the difference
between confident and confidential?'

Dad says, "You are my son - I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son - that's confidential!"

a puzzle for you

Here is a puzzle for you Imagine you are in Africa . You have been tied hanging on a tree with a rope anchored on the ground, a candle is slowly burning the rope, and the lion is waiting for you to drop and be his lunch. Your survival hinges on the rope staying intact, there is no one around to help you. What to do now ............ write your answer before your scroll down.... Scroll down for answer... / / / / / / / / Sing a Happy Birthday song. / / Howzzzzzz that!!!!!!!

Mr. President !

On a sunny day in late January, 2009 an old man approached the White House from Across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer besides here." The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him
and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

"Liquidity"

Here's your financial vocabulary lesson for today:

"Liquidity" -- When you look at your investments and wet your pants।


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Ghazini देखने के बाद ......

Reasons Why We Indians Can't be Terrorists:

1. We are always late; we would have missed all 4 flights.

2. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.

3. With free food & drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're There

4. We talk with our hands; therefore we would have to put our weapons down.

5. We would ALL want to fly the plane.

6. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.

7. We can't keep a secret; we would have told everyone week before doing it.

8. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield.

9. We would have postponed the mission because a cricket match was going on that day

10. We would all have fallen over each other to be in the photograph being taken with one of the hostages.

Cheers!

जोक्स !

प्रश्न- लंका को सोने की लंका क्यों कहते हैं?
उत्तर - क्योंकि वहां कुम्भकर्ण सोता ही रहता था, इसीलिए उसे "सोने" की लंका कहते थे |

प्रश्न- किस चेरी को हम खा नही सकते?
उत्तर - पोंडिचेरी !